Did you shower today?
One day when my daughter was a month or two old my husband came home from work and while we were eating dinner he asked me this question, “did you shower today?” I said “no” and then we quietly finished our meal. He had no idea that he had triggered a major shame storm for me. I was beating myself up so bad with thoughts like, “why can’t you get your act together?” “seriously, what did you do today?” “oh, I must be so disgusting, my poor husband has to put up with me now”. Etc, etc. You get the picture. I was feeling so terrible about myself.
After dinner and after the baby was down for the night I went to take a shower because, obviously my husband was trying to hint that I needed a shower because I was just so disgusting. It was then that I noticed that he had installed a new showerhead.
Then it all clicked. The ONLY reason he was asking if I had showered was because he wanted to know how I liked the new showerhead. That’s it. All those stories I made up in my head about how I was a failure and looked disgusting-totally just made up in my own head! He wasn’t thinking any of that!!
Later we had a good laugh about it, but how often do we do that? We can be so hard on ourselves! And then we assume that others are judging us harshly as well. We see our own flaws that lead us down the “I’m not good enough” train of thought and we just feel terrible about ourselves. Here's somethings I've learned from this experience.
Don’t make assumptions
You know what they say when you assume… I thought I knew what he was thinking but I was super off base! We make up these stories in our head and then act as if they are true. Sometimes they are true, but it is dangerous to just act as if it's true without verifying first.
Be aware of our own shame triggers
I was feeling very vulnerable as a new mom, not sure what I was doing and definitely not sure how to manage all the other tasks (like cleaning, laundry, showers, personal life, etc.) on top of the new baby. His comment brought all those insecurities to the front of my mind, but those are all MY insecurities and my shame triggers, he was completely unaware of what I was thinkin and feeling.
Increase your own shame resilience
That day my husband was not trying to shame me but at times others have. Mom shame is real. There are others who will disagree with our choices and they’re not afraid to let you know it! We increase our shame resilience by learning to recognize our triggers and recognize when we are feeling shame. And then talk about it and say “I feel shame.” Find a trusted person who will love and support you as you share your feelings. Shame cannot survive when flooded with empathy.
Increase self-compassion
It’s great when we can have someone give us that empathy and support, but we don’t always have that person we can talk to right when we need it. I’m learning to have more self-compassion and talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I love. Looking back I can feel compassion for myself as a new mom who was just trying to survive and wish that I had skipped a few more showers just so I could snuggle my newborn some more. At the time each day felt like an eternity, but looking back it was such a short period of time. As we have more self-compassion we can let go of all those things we think we “should” be doing and just be kinder to ourselves.
You got this mama!
So to all the mamas out there who may or may not have had a shower today, I want to tell you that you’re doing a great job! This job ain’t easy!! And if there are piles of laundry on the floor, dishes in the sink, and you still haven’t had a shower today, know that you are doing ok. The 24/7 demands of motherhood are not for the faint of heart. So have a little compassion with yourself. Step out of the shame game, and lets unite and support one another in this crazy adventure of motherhood. You got this!
