Shame vs. Guilt

Shame vs. Guilt

Exciting topic, right?! Sometimes even just hearing the word “SHAME” makes us want to run and hide because it is such a painful emotion.  But stay with me!! I want you to know that shame is something everyone experiences and there are a few simple steps you can practice to increase your shame resilience.

Brené Brown, social worker and researcher (also my hero!), has done extensive research on this topic and written several books on the topic.  I'm writing this post to give you the quick & dirty on Brene's research...a kind of cliff notes version of her books and research (although I highly recommend all of her books too!)  I love to talk with my clients about this concept early on so that they have an understanding of this concept and so they know what to do when shame creeps in. Let's dive in!

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

 Shame = I am bad.  Guilt = I did something bad.

This is actually a profound difference. When something goes wrong, do you think, “oh man, I’m such an idiot.  I’m always screwing things up.  What’s wrong with me?!!” Or do you think, “I really messed up.  But we all make mistakes. I can learn from this and I’ll do better next time.” Do you see the difference? The same exact scenario could trigger guilt for me one day but shame another day.  It’s not really the circumstances that make the difference but our inner dialogue.

Some helpful things to keep in mind about shame:

1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience.
2. We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

Sound familiar? I mean when is the last time you talked with someone about shame? Like, actually used the word shame? If you’re like most people, it’s not very often.  But that is how shame gets more power.  If you’re still not 100% sure what I mean by shame, maybe looking at these common themes will resonate.

12 Main Shame Categories

• Appearance and body image
• Money and work
• Motherhood/ fatherhood
• Family
• Parenting
• Mental and physical health
• Addiction
• Sex
• Aging
• Religion
• Surviving trauma
• Being stereotyped or labeled

Are you depressed yet? Have those voices started whispering inside your head that you’re not good enough? The thing is that you’re probably feeling shame throughout the day anyways, but I want to raise your awareness to shame because that is how you take the power back. From her research, Brené has identified the following steps to increase our resilience. 

Shame Resilience

1. Recognizing Shame and understanding its triggers.  
2. Practicing critical awareness
3. Reaching out
4. Speaking Shame

Don’t hide from shame any longer.  Don’t give it any more power.  As we own it and call it by name, we are able to take back its power.  When we reach out to someone we love and trust and tell them when we feel shame, the shame cannot survive. Shame disappears as soon as it is flooded with love and empathy. 

These are skills that grow over time.  We can become better skilled, but it does not prevent us from ever feeling shame (I know, bummer!).  But these are powerful tools that help you hold your head high work through those intensely painful feelings of shame, always knowing that at the end of the day you are enough.  If you'd like some more one-on-one help going through these steps, give me a call! I'd love to teach you!  720-460-1240