Why Your Marriage Needs to Be A Priority
Guest Post by Katie Fabian
When Superman and I got married, life seemed amazing. It was the honeymoon period. We lived in a cute one-bedroom apartment. Life was hard, but we had each other. We felt like we could get through any challenge because “love”. Then reality hit.
When I had Princess Pea, I felt like there were no parents better prepared than us. Not only did I have years of experience working with children, I had my degree. Superman had experience and education as well. We were ready. But no book, no blog post, no story shared can really prepare anyone for the reality of parenthood.
When that baby comes into the world, into your life, you learn love in a whole new dimension. While sometimes you feel that love is on a higher plane, other times you feel that you are pulling your hair out because that “love” is harder to find.
The Relationship That Matters Most
The dependency children have on their parents can be a demanding and draining relationship. It can pull at you to make it the priority, the most important thing, but in reality, it needs to be less important. Not at the bottom of the priority pile (those kids gotta eat), but just slightly less important than another relationship: the relationship with your spouse.
Studies have actually found that when you put your spouse after your children, your children actually suffer. If you make your marriage a priority, your family will flourish. Your children will be happier, you will be happier, and maybe you won’t want to pull your hair out.
People often talk about needing to make marriage important now because someday it will be just you and your spouse and you’ll be strangers to each other. While this may be true, marriage needs to be important now because it can impact your family now.
Your children will look at how marriages and relationships should work from you. If your marriage isn’t top priority, it will have an affect on them.
If you are working together on a happy marriage, you can be happier parents. It’s easier to be on the same page if you’re communicating, meeting each other’s needs and strengthening each other.
Love Languages
I remember I went on a first date with a guy (NOT Superman) when I was single. He began asking me what my “Love Language” was. He began to talk about his love language and it felt like a conversation too intimate for a first date. However, it was good that he knew his love language.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts.
For a while I was certain I knew my love language, and after children, I have found it has changed. But as Superman and I have been married, I have realized we want love very different from each other.
If you are unsure what your love language is, check out Gary Chapman’s website. There is a quiz and everything. Knowing what your partner’s love language is key. If your husband’s love language happens to be words, but yours is service, you may be always doing random acts of service for him. He may appreciate it, but it won’t mean as much as that sticky note on the mirror.
It can be hard to speak the other’s love language. When your love language is gifts, you may just want to give the other person a gift. In your brain, that is the most loving thing you can do, but they may not see it that way.
Check in with you spouse about love languages, maybe take the quiz together. Anyone who has seen Better Off Dead can tell you how important it is to speak the same language.
Communication
When there is disconnect in your marriage, communication gets ugly. I know that since Baby Bear came into the picture, Superman and I are super sleep deprived. It is harder to think clearly when you’re in full mombie mode. Just because sleep isn’t happening doesn’t mean we can give up on other things. I may be in survival mode, but I still realize I need to take a step back, come out of my glass box of emotion, and think about my poor husband who is also exhausted.
Parenting can lead to some gnarly arguments that can damage the relationship. We can avoid permanent damage by finding ways to communicate without committing one of the four deadly sins, or bringing “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” into the conversation.
John Gottman has several great resources on how to handle and avoid these major red flags: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
When Superman and I got married, we had an agreement that we would never give each other the silent treatment. I have ADHD and often have explosive emotional responses to this. I know that in order for me to not say things (or yell things) that I will regret, I tell Superman I need 5 or 10 minutes alone. This gives me time to control my anger (or let it out in a healthier way) before coming back and resolving the conflict. This is a way we avoid “stonewalling”.
I’m sure everyone has some technique they use to fight the four horsemen. It’s great to share these tips with others because where you may be strong, others may need that help and vice versa.
30 Day Challenge
Regardless of what your primary love language is, you probably need some aspect of each love language in your life. Doing small things each day to, for, with each other can not only help you put your marriage first, but it can also help you speak each other’s love language.
In the month of July, I am doing a 30-Day Marriage Challenge. I have a different activity to do each day. You can pick and chose which one to do each day (some require more planning than others). By doing thinking of your spouse first every day for thirty days, it should create a habit and have a positive impact on your relationship.
You can join me on Social Media to see how the challenge is going for Superman and me and share how it’s going for you. You can also visit thecrustisthebestpart.com for more 30-Day Challenges and mom life posts.
I look forward to doing this challenge with you!
