How to Keep Your Marriage Strong After Having a Baby
Some friends of mine seemed like the perfect married couple. They were so in love and they never fought. When conflict came, they calmly discussed the problem and found solutions. Then they had their first child. They went from “the Jones” to arguing about every little thing. Having a new baby completely changed the dynamic of their marriage. They are not alone.
Introducing a baby and all the demands and that go with it can cause stress on even a strong marriage. When you bring your baby home, it’s safe to say you’ve never experienced this before. Even if you have older children, it’s the first time you’ve ever had that number of children under your care as a parent. This is more than a little change. It affects everyone in the home, especially the parents. Even with the easiest babies, new parents experience exhaustion, intense emotions, financial changes, and a plethora of other concerns will be inevitable. Adding these new challenges into your relationship can cause strain but with some TLC it is possible to stay strong in your marriage after a baby comes.
We’re all in this together
Everything looks different at 2am when you’re exhausted beyond all reason. It’s easy for a new mom to feel that she’s being cheated or treated unfairly when her husband lays fast asleep as she gets up for the millionth time to feed or soothe the crying baby. That moment of frustration gets put into a stack. Later the husband is able to watch the game while the wife is running around like a chicken with its head cut off to do things around the house. Again, she feels cheated. The next thing he knows, she’s exploding at him over the trash not being taken out.
Maybe it’s the other way around. The husband just got off a long day at work and is looking forward to sitting down and relaxing when the wife shoves the baby in his arms as soon as he arrives. The husband is trying to rekindle the flame and the wife keeps rushing off to help the baby.
Most likely this switches frequently between mom and dad. At one point or another each may feel like it’s unfair because they get a disproportionate amount of the work. It’s easy to keep a running tally of what each person is doing or what the other one isn’t doing, but that is only going to lead to more strife. New parents undergo a process of recreating their partnership as they become parents. It’s not going to happen overnight. Be patient with each other and remember you’re not the only one adjusting. Both you and your spouse are navigating this new territory together.
Conflict Management 101
Everything seems way more intense with a new baby. Just going to the store requires planning and packing and takes three times longer than it ever did before. This new intensity can cause new conflicts. Before, the length of your spouse’s shower was a non-issue, but now it can be the end of the world when a crying baby is involved. It never used to be a problem when your spouse was absorbed in a book or show, but now that your adult interaction has been reduced, it’s really frustrating.
The intense emotions that accompany these new issues can make a hurricane out of a calm pond. It becomes tempting to go on the attack or even on the defensive when these conflicts arise but learning how to manage them can reduce stress and conflicts in the future.
Healthy conflict management starts with how you approach the conversation. If you come at it with guns blazing, then it’s more likely it will turn into a fight. By talking about it in a soft way, it goes from a fight into a discussion.
During the discussion, you need to remember that there are two sides to every coin and two perspectives at play. Keep calm and compromise. After a fight, reflect on what happened and figure out how to express the issue in a different way. This will move you from a fight to a discussion.
Soft-Boiled Problems
It can be hard to approach a situation softly when your feelings are strong. When an egg is boiled, it turns from runny and soft to hard and rubbery if left too long. A boiled egg can be pulled out early, the white of the egg has become hard, but the yolk is still runny. This is also how you need to bring up problems. You need to feel enough to recognize that there is an issue, but soft enough that you can talk about it without it turning into a fight.
Voice your complaint, without adding criticism. A complaint will stick to the facts. Criticism globally attacks the person’s personality. Adding in adjectives that tear down your spouse will only lead to more hurt and conflict. Watch out for negative descriptors like “lazy”, “thoughtless”, or “selfish”. Avoid absolutes. When you bring an absolute into the conversation, you might as well be using a negative adjective. “You never do the dishes” aka “you’re a lazy, slob.”
If your spouse does bring up conflict in a hard-boiled way, you don’t need to go on the defensive. It can be hard to not throw it back on them, but by staying soft, you can help the situation. Remain open and acknowledge your part in the issue.
Language can destroy the marriage faster than the Easter Bunny hides eggs. Contempt is more than just using foul language or demanding recompense, body language can also show it. You can express your hurt and still have respect. Show gratitude and appreciation towards your spouse.
Last, avoid blocking them out. The silent treatment, not responding, or giving the bare minimum “uh-huh’s” is like putting up the Berlin Wall. They can’t get in and you can’t get out. It can also cause more hurt for both parties. Sitting down and talking it out tears down the walls and relieves the stress and strife.
BFFs
At one time in your relationship, you and your spouse became best friends. It happened somewhere between the gooey phone calls and the “I Do”. Being best friends forever is not just for tweens. Keeping your friendship a high priority in your marriage will mean a more satisfying marriage in the long run.
Remaining friends when children are involved can be a struggle. You may know your spouse’s favorite food, color, movie, cousin, and hobby, but do you know who your partner has become now? Continuing this “knowing you” process requires asking more than the simple questions of “did this bill get paid?” or “Did the baby poop?”
Ask open ended questions, ones that take more than yes or no to answer. “What was your favorite memory of your dad?” “What kind of things do you think are important as a mom?”
Besides the question game, voicing appreciation for your spouse helps with the friendship process. It’s easier to like each other when you share appreciation.
Last, take your problems and concerns to each other. It is easy to call your mom, your sister, your buddy to express frustration in a situation, but by turning to your partner, you will come closer. After all, don’t you tell your BFF everything?
Birds & Bees
After having a baby, the last thing on a lot of moms’ minds is being intimate. But marriages that last make intimacy a priority. Yes, that first year of the baby’s life is demanding, especially if mom is breastfeeding. Keeping sex a priority isn’t about making things the same as it used to be, but don’t just throw it on the back burner. Accept that things are now different in your sex life and embrace the good. Ask each other for sex. Talk about what feels good. Continue being affectionate in non-sexual ways (hold hands, snuggle on the couch, foot rubs, etc.) If the exhaustion or depression is really preventing you from having any libido, stay connected to your partner with these affectionate touches.
Let Dad In
It takes two to tango, it also takes two to make a baby. While single-parenting is on the rise, most children have two parents. Short of nursing a baby, dads can do everything moms can do. Letting dads be a part of the parenting process helps strengthen the bond of the children to their dad and takes the pressure off mom. When dads are part of the picture, strong children and strong marriages happen. If dad is a little uncertain about his role, teach him ways he can be most helpful and bond with baby.
Ask for Help
The transition to parenthood is hard. The strain can be too much to bear alone. Don’t continue the destructive path when help is just a call away. Seeing a therapist can help. Think of me as a parenthood tour guide. You can do this, and I can help.
