The Imperfect Mom
For most of us, being a parent is the most important job we will ever have. Being responsible for an entire human life is both the greatest honor and the ultimate challenge. Mothers in particular tend to see this task as a reflection of our identity and self-worth. No matter how secure you feel in your own skin before you have children—motherhood will find a way to poke at every insecurity you didn’t even know you had. If your baby is crying, if your toddler is having a tantrum, if your child is having trouble in school, or if your teenager is testing limits, it feels like all eyes are on you. Your child can feel like a walking reflection of your self-worth.
No Guidebook
As much as we wish our children came with a guidebook, most of our daily decisions are laced with uncertainty. The more we look for “the answers” the more confusing it gets. If you look for direction by asking other mothers or reviewing parenting books, you quickly see that there are unlimited ways to raise a child “correctly.” You read one book and it confidently tells you to handle it one way, then you read another book and it gives you completely opposite advice. Or you find something that is working for your child, and then they hit a new stage and you have to find something new. It’s always changing.
Vulnerability vs. Perfection
The vulnerability that comes with not knowing is an inevitable byproduct of being a mother. But most of us hate being vulnerable. We want to be confident and at least look like we know what we’re doing. So sometimes we choose to shield ourselves from vulnerability by striving for perfection—but at what cost? If we spend our days trying to execute an inherently messy job flawlessly we are setting ourselves up for failure. It’s a recipe for depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem (none of which are actually doing our kids any favors). When we hide the parts of ourselves we view as flawed we inadvertently isolate ourselves. It blocks true connection with others because then they only see the “perfect” version of ourselves, which just adds more pressure to always look & act perfect—which is exhausting. It also creates space for judging others. If we’re not sure we’re are doing it “right” we somehow find satisfaction by thinking that “at least I’m better than that mom”. Which leads to more judgment and less connection.
Whenever I notice that aching feeling of “I’m not good enough” start to surface, I reread my highlighted and dog-eared copy of this book. I am reminded that the vulnerability of motherhood is not weakness. Embracing our vulnerabilities and accepting that uncertainty is part of the process can stir up difficult emotions. At the same time, it can provide tremendous relief. At the end of the day, it is the only way to be truly present in this journey and to develop meaningful relationships with our children, partners, and community.
We are all just out there doing the best we can in a sea of uncertainty. As Brené Brown says
“Wholehearted parenting is not having it all figured out and passing it down—
it’s learning and exploring together.”
So embrace the mess and lean into the discomfort. This parenting thing is not easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.
